We Watch Stuff

If You Have To Ask, You Dont Get It.

2010-11-16T19:34:00.000-08:00

We may have bit off more than we could chew with this one. I made a promise to review a short film, directed by Grzegorz Cisiecki, titled “Dym” or “Smoke”, for you American types. This genre is not typically our forte, but we thought we could give it the old college try. The process was actually a lot of fun.

I was initially worried because I am typically turned off by anything that could easily be described as “post-modern” or “surrealistic” because all I hear is “pretentious” and “convoluted”. I will warn you that this film did follow some of the rules I expect artsy shorts to follow: -Lots of extreme close-ups of random stuff.
-Strange camera angles.
-Brooding.
-The color red is super important and symbolic.
However, what I found was that the more we watched it, (it definitely requires more than one viewing) the more I enjoyed it. I consider this film to be a success. Not only does Dym have beautifully striking cinematography, it is intriguing and the symbolism is capable of telling several different stories.

I feel that a piece of art is successful if people can pull meaning out of it, even if it is not the exact story the artist was trying to portray. I will now let you watch Dym, and experience it for yourself. I will also include our hard earned interpretation which we very much like.

If you can't view the video, please right click and open in new window.

0-0:30 – He's going to listen to this tape, it is going to tell him something about his relationship, which he is going to now reflect upon.
0:30-1:00- Cue guy eating a ton of Jolly Ranchers. This gentleman represents the fun and overindulging aspect of the relationship... But then Stop!! Things are not okay.
1:00-1:30- Look at you. You've made a mess of yourself.
2:00- Lot's of red, something is definitely wrong. She is hiding something, during weird park peekaboo.
3:11 – These are possibly the things he could be doing... besides his girlfriend. You know, temptation and junk. Temptation to kill a guy, or grope someone.
5:28 – Hey it's Criss Angel.. no it's Ally Sheedy..
5:48 – Ally Sheedy is recording the secret about his girlfriend.
6:30- He listens to what Ally Sheedy told him and now the relationship is over.

I'm sure it will be difficult for you to not see our interpretation when you watch the film, but you should try to come up with your own. It may seem like I'm not taking this seriously, but that is just my way. Good job Grzegorz Cisiecki, I hope to see more from you.

As always, Things Danielle and Ashley said during “Dym”:

“Those were all consonants!! I don't even think that was a word in Russian!”

Ashley: “Is that a man or a woman?”
Danielle: “I think it's a woman, but it is Russia.”
Ashley: “I can't use all Russian jokes in the review... but that was good.”

Danielle: “Our version does rely on that guy eating Jolly Ranchers.”
Ashley: “Well, whatever he's eating, he is loving it! Just look at him!”

“It's just like the end of a relationship... when you have to kill someone.”

“Does that tape recorder tell you you'll die in 7 days?”

Stay Out of Trouble... Or I Will Kill You.

2010-09-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Once I got over the disappointment that Arnold Schwarzenegger did not star in Robocop, I decided that we could try it anyway. (By the way, my autocorrect knew how to spell Schwarzenegger, so, there ya go Al, you've made it.) I had real trouble with the fact that in the Robocop universe: 1. The Detroit Police Department simply cannot function properly without the help of a robot army and it is imperative that one be created. 2. The DETROIT Police Department can afford this shit. Well.. this was the 80's.. Maybe the turning point for Detroit was the money lost to Robot Army Technology in the late 80's. I'm beginning to digress, so we will just assume that that was a thing that happened and move on.

I was beginning to worry that Robocop earned its “R” rating through police locker room nudity, one of the worst types of nudity, then I found out that it is because Robocop is kind of a bad ass who loves destruction and violence. Robocop is more of a nuisance than a help to the city. Sure he may stop a burglar who was going to get away with a couple hundred dollars, but he does it by causing thousands in property damage.

His helmet flashes the words “Arrest Mode” quite frequently, yet he only successfully arrests one person throughout the entire movie. It should flash “Kill Mode”, “Throw Threw A Window Mode” or “Blow The Shit Out Of Stuff Mode”. It's not even clear why they need to have a person at all, they clearly had the technology to create a full robot without a human. The human part of him doesn't seem to bring any advantages to the table at all, only problems. It is nice that there is the touching subplot that his partner stays loyal to him and reconnects with the human side of him by the end of the movie, until you remember that they were partners for ONE DAY before he turned into Robocop, and it wasn't a good day.
Which brings us to the “villains” of the film. This unruly group of burglars/cocaine dealers is lead by the oh so evil.. dad from That 70's Show? Okay. They are the most campy 1-dimensional villains. They are straight forward “bad guys”, it's not any more complicated than that. They almost seem cartoonish by laughing hysterically after everything they do. This gem of dialogue actually happens: “Cops don't like me, so I don't like cops”. I loved that they not only sold cocaine, but they had a full on cocaine factory, where they actually bottle it, which becomes an excellent setting for a Robocop fight. Cocaine. Everywhere. One of the characters even spends his evening with hookers and cocaine. As bad guys do. I did enjoy that this scene allowed me to witness my favorite line of the movie: The That 70's Show dad saying, “Bitches. Leave.”

On the topic of my favorites. My very favorite thing/character of this movie: Ed 209. Ed 209 is what makes movies from the 80's fantastic. Equipped with the power of fantastic stop/motion animation technology, Ed 209 almost looks almost kind of real. He makes jerky attempts at strolling into an office, makes robot threats, and murders a guy.

The reasons I love Ed 209:

-The murdering.

-The craptastic name “Ed 209”

-Ed 209 growls kind of like a lion.

-Like a cow, Ed 209 can go up stairs, but can not go back down them.

-When he falls down the stairs and gets stuck, he squeals and a cries.

-Even after he murdered a guy, they keep trying to use him for stuff. In public places. Nobody cares.
I went on an internet spirit quest in search of a closer look into Robocop, and returned with grand spoils. Firstly, there is a website that is completely devoted to unicorns, apparently, and on said site there is a page devoted to art of Robocop riding a unicorn. Okay, I may have had my doubts about this unicorn site, but I cannot support this endeavor enough. Secondly, Robocop was running low on cash and did a Japanese commercial for fried chicken that he thought nobody would see. Sorry, Robocop.

Lastly, I will leave you with some random thoughts on Robocop that I couldn't work in naturally:

-”I hope Robocop's fourth secret objective is something really racist.”

-Danielle: “How does taking a dead person, hooking them up to robot parts, make them alive again?”
Ashley: “Baby food.”

-Ashley: “Poor Ed 209.”
Danielle: “He was probably just going to kill someone anyway.”
Ashley: “Yeah... but I liked him.”

- “Apparently, all technology has a Robodrive that Robocop can easily plug into.”

- “There are no cops on the streets of Detroit. They are all shooting at Robocop right now.”

When This Baby Hits Eighty-Eight Miles Per Hour... You're Gonna See Some Serious Shit.

2010-07-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

We were slightly hesitant to watch Back to the Future. We were worried that maybe it was one of those situations in which everybody raves about it, but nobody has actually watched it since they were childrens. We may act like it occasionally, but we're not six, so maybe we won't be able to love this movie the same way other people do.

Luckily, we did find things about this movie we did love. I present to you, the top 5 things we loved about Back to the Future:

#5. We would not have had the flux capacitor or any of these wonderful adventures to see if Doc hadn't of fallen off his toilet that one day.

#4. Somehow Spielberg managed to make an adventure comedy that glosses over the fact that Libyans contracted the Doctor to make a bomb. This film contains within it the possible plot for an entire season of 24, yet it is hardly addressed. It's comical even.
#3. The 80's special effects. The guns don't go “bang bang” they go “pew pew”.

#2. Crispin Glover! I personally don't think Crispin Glover gets enough credit. He's typically one of the best parts of any movie, no matter how small his role. Sure he's always got to have at least one creepy or sinister moment, but he's brilliant at it!

#1. Huey Lewis and the News. “The Power of Love” isn't just a major part of this movie's soundtrack, it's listed in the OPENING credits. That's how much they play it. Basically anytime Marty is in the 80's, it's playing.

(during Marty's band's audition):
Ashley: I hope they play a cover of The Power of Love.
Danielle: They probably won't..
In Unison: THEY DID!!!!

Ok, now for the top 5 critiques we had about Back to the Future:

#5. Lea Thompson: Not so great at pretending to be old.

#4. I totally agree with the Doc that if you're going to make a time machine out of a car, you should give it some style. However, if your time machine car has to make it to 88 mph to work, maybe don't pick one that maxes out at 95 mph.

#3. Marty's plan to grope his mom to get her angry is the worst most disturbing plan ever. Mostly because that is clearly what she would want him to do. Thank god the coach from Freaks and Geeks stepped in and stopped that train wreck.

#2. Some of the plot elements were so convenient sometimes that it bordered quite heavily on the cheesy side. Especially when Marty's girlfriend happened to write to him on a paper that he happened to take to the past, that just happened to have the exact date and time that the clock tower was struck by lightening, and he just happened to pull it out while they were brainstorming. That is lucky.

#1. Why did Marty choose to just go back 10 minutes early?!? You have a time machine! Why rush?! You're trying to save a man's life here and you only give yourself 10 minutes?? He could've gone back a day early and then he could've played that Huey Lewis song again, and nailed it!

Danielle: Everybody seems to call each other by their last names in this.
Ashley: Hey hey hey, if I knew some one with the last name “McFly”, I would say it. I would say it a lot.

Ashley: That's weird, why would his brother start disappearing and not him? Wouldn't they disappear at the same time if their parents never got together?
Danielle: Well, this one time, this happened on Hannah Montana and her older brother started to disappear first because he was born first.
Ashley: That is not a viable reference! (Uncontrollable laughter. Seriously, for like 10 minutes.)

I Gotta Date With A Six Year Old Boy

2010-07-21T21:52:00.001-07:00

When I suggested we watch Child's Play, Danielle was not into the idea at all. She argued that she just was not ready for all the cheese and bad jokes that were no doubt in store. I stood my ground and said that this type of campy horror is exactly what we love! “It's going to be awesome! We're going to have so much fun!” I was so wrong.

We were so confused during the opening scene:

Danielle: “Why would he choose THAT doll of all things to put his soul into?”

Me: “I don't know. Maybe he didn't have time to be picky?”

Danielle: “Wouldn't the police confiscate the doll with the bloody thumbprint on its head?.. and why did the building explode?”

Me: “Because he did that spell... but why would that guy have a spell memorized that would put his soul into a doll?”

Danielle: “These are all good questions.”

Then of course we couldn't fathom at all why anyone would pay $100 for one of these creepy ass dolls even if it were working properly, and not possessed and everything. Then I was even further perplexed by the odd tension between Chucky and the little boy. I could not get it out of my head that that weirdo criminal man from the beginning of the movie was now in bed with this kid. It doesn't help that the kid seems to like Chucky far more than any little boy should like a doll, even if it is part robot.

Here are some notes we wish someone would have given the creators of this masterpiece:

-Clearly science and physics doesn't exist in this realm because you can push someone or drop something and they/it will fall or roll ridiculously far away (and sometimes crash through windows).

-In one scene the detective is walking up behind the mom and there is all this tense build up even though we know it's not Chucky behind her because it is a full size person.

-The character who taught Chucky about eternal life couldn't do anything about his own death (even though it took a crazy long time)? Also, he has a voodoo doll of himself?? What the what, and why?

-The editing makes it seem like it takes the mom and detective a really long time to get back to the apartment in the end, while the little boy seemingly teleported there.

-We already knew that Chucky would not take control of the little boy's body because, let's face it, he was definitely not a strong enough kid actor to pull that off.

The only thing we really liked about this movie was the casting: they got a Lord of the Rings guy, the mom from 7th Heaven, and the prince from Princess Bride! Other than that, we were less than impressed with Child's Play.

Danielle: “Do you think this movie actually scared people? Like not just little kids, but adults too?”

Me: “You know that it did! There are people out there who are scared by the stupidest things.”

In order to redeem Child's Play, we began to rewrite it. In our version, the adults begin to go crazy and suspect the doll out of paranoia, due to its excessive creepiness. However, in reality, it was the little boy killing everyone because he was so angry that his mom missed his birthday in the beginning. If you don't think that's a better plot line, you're wrong.

I had to take back my vow not to watch any other films in this franchise when I found this concept photo. I am willing to make an exception if this ever comes to fruition:

Increase the Peace!

2010-07-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Boyz N The Hood, in a nutshell, tries its hardest to show how hard it is to be a boy growing up in the “hood”. They try to make it so serious right from the start by showing these statistics. The weight of these numbers were lost on me because of their wording. For example: “1 out of 21 Black men will be murdered in their lifetime.” In their lifetime?! As if they go on to do other things.

We realized that we tend to choose 80s movies most of the time, so we were proud that we picked one made in 1991, but oh no! A lot of the movie is set in the 80's! Blast! While the boys were young, I grew concerned that we were just watching “Stand By Me.. N The Hood”:

-There are train tracks
4 boys (and one of them is fat)
A gun
A dead body
Bullies (but no Keifer)

While I was excited to see the grown up versions of each kid, knowing full well that the fat one would be LL Cool J, I soon missed the ability to understand what anyone was talking about. (UPDATE: He does NOT grow up to be LL Cool J. He grows up to be someone far cooler. And if this comment made my blog impossible to enjoy, I appologize.)

As the movie continued, we became concerned about its plot, and whether or not it existed. The dialogue becomes blatantly preachy about how hard things are in the hood. Things also become increasingly random. We first became aware of this when there was a montage that did not quite work as a montage. It consisted of:
-Cuba Gooding trying to have sex.
-The other guys leering at women.
-One guy playing football.
-One guy getting beaten up.

I know the rules of montage, and it certainly did not follow them at all.

After this sequence, Danielle asked me if I thought this movie had a plot, or if it should just be called “This is the Hood. Period.” I tried to break down all the intriguing plot driving elements for her:
-Will Cuba decide to live with his mom or dad?
-That one guy can play football.
-ICE CUBE can't read.
-Will Cuba ever have sex? (The answer to that one is yes, but only after he cries.)

The death of the football player felt really random and just thrown in there to make you feel really sad about the hood. He was going to play football, or maybe join the army I guess, but instead he was murdered. I didn't understand why he specifically became such an obvious target, yet every other character in the movie knew he was in danger, somehow. ICE CUBE seemed really insensitive to yell for his mom to come look at her dead son, AND he puts the dead body on the NICE couch! Thankfully, it had that plastic covering over it.

Don't get me wrong about this one; it has been one of our favorites so far. Here are some of the top moments from viewing Boyz N The Hood:

Ashley: I'm gonna start answering my phone “Who Dis?”
Danielle: But then your mom's gonna get all mad!
Ashley: No she won't, because I will actually know who is calling because this is the year 2010.

(About 40-50 minutes in)
Danielle: We should have been keeping track of how many times someone drinks from a 40.

Ashley: It is way too late to start doing that now.

Random thoughts on Larry Fishburne:
“She's taking him to live with his Dad so he can teach him about the Matrix”

“I can't handle seeing Laurence Fishburne in red sweatpants and sleeping on cheetah print pillows. The only thing that would make it worse is if they were stirrup pants.”
“He's no Morgan Freeman, but I would still listen to him.”

(During the end credits)
Danielle: Yeah. I could get into this music.

News!

2010-07-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

We want to thank Todd Rigney for featuring WeWatchStuff on his blog, TheFilmFiend.com, and for giving us (and Hard Rock Zombies) major props. If you like WeWatchStuff (all four of you), you should check out Todd's site as well.

In other news, I added a page with "The List" of our "need to watch" movies. Give it a gander and let us know if there are any we left out, or if there is one among the many that we need to get to post-haste.

The Lets See How Close Our Faces Can Get While We Deliver Cheesy Dialogue Saga: Eclipse

2010-06-30T00:08:00.001-07:00

While it is better than the first and second, the third installment stays true to the tradition of terrible sappy dialogue and, of course, awkward facial expressions while standing way too close. The movie is bookended by two scenes of Bella and Edward talking in a field of flowers, like teenage couples do. It’s the same old story, pledging eternal love and shit.

Bella and Edward’s relationship gets to its really annoying stage in Eclipse. However, it was way more awkward to watch it than read about it. It is just awful to have to watch this fight go down:

KStew: Please have sex with me.

RPatz: Marry Me.

KStew: Marriage? Ew. Gross.

She’s fine with him turning her into a vampire, but get married? That’s a little too much.

One of my favorite things about the book series was learning the back stories of the other vampires, and I was happy to see that they included this in the movie… But… Jasper’s was a little difficult for me to watch. Not only was it hard not to snicker at Jasper dressed as a confederate officer, but after his flashback sequence, he had a very prominent country accent and demeanor, that was never there before! Which lead me to lean over to Danielle and whisper:
“Hey… Did Jasper have an accent in the other movies?”

Her response: “Jasper didn’t have an accent in the beginning of THIS movie.”

Jasper’s accent wasn’t my only favorite thing in this movie, my others included:

-Jacob saying to Edward, “I’m hotter than you.”

-While the rest of the characters are having a battle in Forks, in APRIL, Bella and Edward experience their own struggle in what appears very much to be Narnia.

I want to be as unbiased as I can in this, so here are some thoughts I gathered from some other girls, who are outside my cynical demographic:

-They didn’t like that the vampires shattered like glass.

-They didn’t like Emmett’s hair (I didn’t notice a difference).

-They don’t understand why Jasper has to be so ugly.

My favorite:

“I just kept picturing Jacob as Sharkboy.”

“Really? Because I just kept picturing him naked.”

Yeeeeeeaaahhh!!

2010-06-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

As a person who loves children’s’ movies, I know how appalling it is that I had never seen The NeverEnding Story. Well that problem is all fixed now!

The NeverEnding Story did follow one of the basic rules of good children’s movies: the parents are just awful. During the brief encounter we see between Bastian and his dad, his dad might as well have said, “yes, your mom is dead, and me and my moustache do not care.” Really, a lot of the adult figures are negative, something about using reverse psychology on childrens or some junk. As Danielle put it, “It’s more about what’s in YOU. Yeah, it’s one of THOSE movies.”

So, after Bastian steals the NeverEnding Story from the guy who actually says, “I don’t like children,” something I wish I could say openly to customers, he hides in the school attic to read.

As soon as we begin to meet the inhabitants of Fantasia, I wanted to know as much as I could about them:

Me: “Is he one of the evil people?”

Danielle: “No, he’s just a rock eater. He just eats rocks.”

Me: “Oh, so like that sea turtle we saw at the aquarium?”

Danielle: “Yes, except he WAS evil.”

Then we meet Atreyu, who must save Fantasia from the “nothing.” He has to follow two rules: he must go alone, and he must take no weapons. Oh, and the only other information they can give him is that it will be extremely dangerous, and if he fails, all of Fantasia will disappear. No pressure, no pressure whatsoever. And where did they get this information anyway? If I were Atreyu, I would be looking for some explanations.

When Atreyu entered the Swamp of Sadness, I was feeling pretty good about this movie; there was a warrior on a white horse, and the scenery looked like a sexy music video was about to start. Then, what the hell, they just kill off the horse. When they said Atreyu had to be alone, they meant it dammit! It seemed like such a weird choice to me to introduce this beautiful horse, just to immediately kill it off… and to cause me to be completely perplexed, trying to figure out what had him so depressed. I guess all good children’s movies have at least one part that just rips your heart out.

Regardless, I still loved this movie. I would always choose crappy 80s animatronics and green screens to today’s CGI and 3-D animation. The Fantasia characters are so much more memorable than any of the characters movie studios shove out nowadays.

While I loved all the Fantasia characters, I couldn’t decide if Bastian annoyed me or not. At first, it was funny and endearing that he reacted so animatedly while reading, but sometimes it was just too much. I should have known he was a bit of a dork when he admitted that he had read The Last of the Mohicans. No small child would do that of his own accord. While I understood that he was kind of living vicariously through Atreyu, I didn’t understand why he had to stay in the school attic to do so. I’m pretty sure if Atreyu were in Bastian’s situation, he would’ve taken his book home after school and read it there. At any rate, by the conclusion of The NeverEnding Story, I had reconciled my differences with Bastian. I realized that we had something very important in common. If we were given unlimited wishes, our first two wishes would be exactly the same:

1. Ride a dragon (Falkor counts).
2. Scare the shit out of people with it.

Chicka Chicka Chicka Beeee

2010-06-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

I was genuinely interested in the movie Nell when I heard what it was about; I certainly do love feral children. Then I read the tagline and was further hooked: “Her heart. Her soul. Her language are a mystery...A mystery called Nell”.

The film opens with the death of what I assume is Nell’s mother, who has raised Nell in a secluded cabin in the woods. We are introduced to Nell’s strange language right from the beginning and, having seen this before, Danielle says, “welcome to this WHOLE movie”.

It was unfortunate for Danielle that she’d seen this before because I began launching more questions at her than I normally do. I wanted to know why Nell couldn’t speak English even though she lived with her English-speaking mother, and where they two of them got all the money to pay for the food that is delivered to them. She eventually just yelled at me, “Calm down! They’ll explain it later!”

They do explain, or TRY to at least. They claim that Nell’s speech patterns are deformed because the only person she ever heard speak was her mother, who had suffered a stroke. I don’t really see how her speech could be THAT different under those circumstances.

Nell’s back story is not what this movie is about though, it’s about Liam Neeson and Natasha Richardson finding her. It was so bittersweet to see the two of them starring in a film together. You will find that it is difficult for me to say anything negative about Natasha Richardson, who is a brilliant English actress… who has a country accent in this!

Neeson plays the town physician who believes that Nell can take care of herself and should be left in the cabin, while Richardson plays the city doctor who wants to take Nell to a lab to be studied. It is made blatantly clear that Neeson is the “good guy” in this: he camps in the forest while she has to have her own houseboat, he knocks on Nell’s door while she sneaks in while Nell is asleep and hides cameras, he protests while she traumatizes Nell just to take a very unnecessary blood sample.

I am upset to report just how unsettlingly creepy Neeson’s character comes across. He peeps at Nell all the time from the bushes, while admitting that he thinks she is beautiful. This is further upsetting when Nell swims naked; if you ever wanted to see Jodie Foster naked, you have several chances to choose from in Nell.

Nell will not venture out into the daylight because she is afraid she will be raped, because that is what happened to her mother; therefore, that is what she was taught. Liam coaxes her out into the daylight, or “rape zone” as I deemed it, by taunting her with chips and popcorn. Rape is a small price to pay for snack food.

I did prefer this lesson to the other one, however:

Danielle: “Why does he(Liam Neeson) have to be naked??”

Me: “Well, you see, he must rape her at night time to show that night time is just as dangerous.”

Danielle: “It’s just his secret way of getting naked with Nell… only now he can say it’s for ‘science’”.

(He doesn’t actually rape her.)

There is this embedded theme about mental illness throughout Nell. Nell’s mental health is brought into question many times. I don’t believe Nell would have appeared nearly as crazy if it weren’t for the death of her twin sister. I never quite understood what happened to the other sister, but whatever it was has driven Nell bat shit crazy for years and years. Nell isn’t the only crazy in this town though; everybody seems to have their issues. The sheriff’s wife was only introduced to the story because she has issues with depression and she and Nell share some kind of bond. Well, basically the sheriff’s wife doesn’t realize that Nell is just mimicking everything she is saying, but she really feels like there is a bond. To make things even crazier, Liam and Natasha get together in the end, as they should, but they start speaking to each other in Nell’s language, as they shouldn’t! I don’t even think they know what they’re saying to each other! The moral of the story: everyone is insane.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Good Version

2010-06-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

As promised, I bring you a review, nay, a tribute to Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Since we can’t handle watching the “critically acclaimed” all the time, we had to take a break and unwind with one of our all time favorite horror movies.

TCM: The Next Gen is supposedly a sequel, but it plays out as more of a fantastic retelling of the original, and it makes improvements in SO many ways. Let’s explore these now.

The movie starts as a prom is just ending, where we meet Renée Zellweger, playing the “nerdy girl” who wears “glasses” who is accompanied by her weird date who isn’t even alive long enough to get any character development, and this other couple who are the two most annoying people. You have to wonder why these people are even friends, a common conundrum within horror films.

This other “popular” couple may be examples of the worst type of people, but in several ways, they are the best part of the movie. We meet said couple as the girl is trying to find the guy after prom is over. She finds him completely making out with someone else outside the school. This leads to one of the best sequences of dialogue I have ever heard:

“I saw you kissing her!”

“I kissed her ONCE! It’s like I can’t even talk to my friends anymore!”

This Mr. Right goes on to convince Miss Mentally Challenged that you can get cancer from not having sex. They really are a special breed these two. I soon tired of these two and hoped desperately that they would be murdered sooner rather than later. Well this wish comes true in terms of the guy, who is axed as soon as they find the crazy house in the woods. However, the girl was a different story. By the end of the movie, I was in awe of her; this chick just would not die. I compiled a list of all the travesties that happen to this girl:

1. She is suspended by meat hooks (a la the original).
2. She is placed in some sort of crate or freezer (we couldn’t figure that out).
3. She somehow escapes and crawls out into the road where she is hit in the head with a stick then taken back to the house (which is possibly my favorite scene).
4. She is bitten in the face.
5. She lies on the floor in a pool of her own face blood.
6. She is set on fire.
7. She is finally killed by having her skull crushed by Matthew McConaughey's robotic leg.

I know what you’re thinking: “WHAAAAT? You didn’t say anything about Matthew McConaughey and a robotic leg?? “
Well it’s true. Matthew McConaughey plays the part of the head crazy of sorts, and for some reason, he has a robotic leg. To make things more weird and nonsensical, the robotic leg is remote controlled. McConaughey is perfect for this part because he gets to be just completely insane and yell lines like “Ain’t no fuckin’ biggie!” and cut himself in the chest.

Nobody finds Matthew’s chest cutting and crazy leg hotter than his girlfriend, who is a wonderful addition to the story. She is the one who delivers Renée Zellweger over to the crazies, but not before she squeezes in one of my favorite 90’s movie clichés by telling Renee “you look real pretty with your glasses off.” She is also extremely concerned about bringing pizza home for the family. She tells McConaughey “I TOLD him to tell you I was bringing pizza home!” when she realizes that he is in psycho killer mode and not dinner party mode when she arrives. During all the commotion and murder, she points out twice that the pizza is getting cold, and they finally have their fancy party.

This party is much more of a to-do than it was in the original movie. Renée Zellweger and the entire fam, including half-dead grampa, get all dolled up. Nobody is fancier than leather face however. It is never really addressed, but leatherface is almost the same character in this version as he is in the original... except… he’s a cross dresser. There is some implication that he likes to kill ladies to get their clothes and possible more. By the end of the movie he is in full on lady gear.

Let’s talk about the end of the movie now. I have seen this three times in its entirety now, and I still do not really understand the ending. Just like everything else about it, the ending comes way out of left field. If you don’t want spoilers, don’t read on, but for some reason, the illuminati come in and save the day! That’s right! There’s some kind of crazy sub plot that Matthew McConaughey was working for them all along, doing what, I still don’t know, but they take Renée Zellweger off to safety after Matthew McConaughey is hit in the head by a plane. This is the most random and wonderful movie I have ever seen. I’m certain that even after reading this, if you watch it, you will find other bits of treasure that I didn’t even mention.

Jump Back!!!

2010-05-27T19:32:00.001-07:00

I'm not even sure where to start with Footloose, so I'll just start right with the opening credits. It's the song!! The song “footloose,” you know! From the movie! Kenny Loggins!! It's the title of the movie!! Oh the excitement! There's just a montage of so many close-up shots of different feet doing different crazy dance steps in crazy outfits! Okay.. more feet.. alright this is dragging.. hmm.. I'm getting a little bored.. Do we have to listen to the entirety of the song? Yes... apparently we do... Why are all the leg warmers so dirty?..

Okay, whew. Finally, plot. Footloose is the story of Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon), who comes all the way from the big city of Chi-Town to a random mid-western small town (we were never quite sure WHERE the town was.. at one point there are clearly mountains in the background) where he is not allowed... TO DANCE. OH my god, JUMP BACK. That is bananas.

That is also not what Footloose is really about. Footloose is the story of a young man who moves to a small town and discovers the love of his life, but society will not allow their unorthodox union. I am talking about the underlying, but blatant, romance between Ren and Willard (Chris Penn). There are plenty of clues throughout the movie:

-They drive around all the time together in the intimate setting of Ren's yellow Volkswagen Beetle
-Willard comes to Ren's... Gymnastics practice?! (Come on? This town has a gymnastics team? What?)
-Willard is clearly jealous in the bar scene when Ren is dancing with the 2nd.. No.. 3rd rate Elisabeth Shue
-Well, just watch Ren and Willard dance through a field together and tell me that isn't love?

Let's talk about the 3rd rate Elisabeth Shue for a minute. Apparently not only does being a preacher's daughter make you rebellious and kind of slutty (you can tell that she is those things because she wears red nail polish AND red boots), but it also makes you try to kill yourself all the time. There were so many times when I said, “Is somebody going to die in this scene??” because she was around. I guess she did have a hard life; she is beaten in this movie and it isn't even really justified in the plot. She was, however, the inspiration of 2 out of 3 of my favorite lines:

“I treated you decent!!”

and

“She's been kissed a lot.”

(my favorite clearly being “JUMP BACK!”)

Some final notes on Footloose:

-Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't cute as a teenager either.

-Bonnie Tyler is perfect to accompany a tractor chicken race.

-If you want to show small town kids what they're missing in life, take them to a country/western bar.

-A better ending to this movie would have been if the preacher's wife murdered everyone.

-What the hell is going on with Lithgow's accent?

-You get to hear “Footloose” a total of three times throughout the movie.

My two favorite conversations we had during Footloose:

Me: “I hope all guys take out their aggression by going out to a secluded area and dancing it out.”

Danielle: “No. I think it's just Kevin Bacon who does that.”

Me: “I can't believe teenagers would be THAT upset about not having a school dance.”

Danielle: “They would if dancing were banned.”

Me: “Well... I probably wouldn't have been friends with the kids that were upset about it.”

Leatherface and Such...

2010-05-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

We wasted no time building up conjecture as to who we thought would make it out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre alive. It seemed obvious to us that either Sally or her “invalid brother” would live based on the attention they received in the all-important scrolling word intro.

The “invalid brother” caused us much pain and confusion. It seemed blatantly obvious that he was important in some way. I thought it was a very good thematic decision to establish sympathy for his character by having one of the opening scenes be him trying to pee in a can on the side of the road then toppling down a hill in his wheelchair. The sympathies just kept flying his way throughout the movie because all of the “youths” he was traveling with treated him so awful; they just kept leaving him places. In their defense, he was possibly the worst travel companion ever; we actually googled the word “invalid” to double-check that it wasn't synonymous with “mentally challenged.”

Anyway, we didn't think that this movie would make us suffer through his annoying shenanigans for nothing. My theory, based on my prior knowledge of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was that he was going to be bullied throughout the entire film, but then when the murdering happened, the crazies would spare him because he was handicapped too. But alas, no, we did sit through most of the movie listening to him whine just to see him anticlimactically murdered when his wheelchair gets stuck in the woods. Great. And Sally gets to live? Why? She's awful to her handicapped brother, she's annoying as hell, she used a bloody knife to prepare food, and her only redeeming characteristic is that she is not afraid to jump through a window. Ok, that is pretty awesome.

These are just a glimpse of many examples of me trying to find meaning in this movie and being disappointed. As Danielle put it, “I don't think there's a point to anything in this movie.”

This movie's primary method of pretending it was showing anything significant was by zooming in REALLY close. For your benefit, I kept a running log of things that got the zoom treatment:

-A Dead Armadillo
-A Generator
-The Invalid Brother's Face (This one was especially tricky because someone asks him a question and it zooms in on his face for a long time, but he never says anything.)
-A Chicken
-The Sun
-Sally's Eyes
-Sally's Eye Even Closer

Reasons Why All The Youths Should Have Died:

-They're dumb enough to pick up that crazy looking hitchhiker. (Even if it is the 70's.)

-They get a very Scooby Doo-esque warning from the gas station attendant, yet do not heed it.

-Two of them can't get over the fact that there is blood in the van after they watched emo-hitchhiker cut himself and others.

-Is this his FIRST DAY in that wheelchair?? Come on.

-They tend to study the dead body arts & crafts instead of running.

-A foyer full of skulls and hides seems inviting to them.

-Sally gets the shit beaten out of her by a... broom?

Some Other Random Thoughts on Texas Chainsaw Massacre Worth Mentioning:

-Leatherface must have a pretty skilled hand with that chainsaw to cut the back of Sally's shirt like that without hurting her.

-”Why didn't they just kill Sally Mae? Why bring her back for a dinner party?”
“Well. Clearly they had to feed Grandpa... and he only eats blood... apparently.”

-Having Grandpa repeatedly drop a mallet on Sally's head was, while comical, very inefficient.. and stupid.

In the end, we decided that if it weren't for one thing, we would have been bored as shit throughout this entire movie. That one thing was memories of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, starring Mathew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger. The entire time we watched the original, we reminisced about the wonderfulness of the distant sequel. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

COMING SOON: A special, necessary review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.

“I Don't Want A Childhood; I Want to be a Ballet Dancer.”

2010-05-10T19:23:00.001-07:00

I went into Billy Elliot thinking that it was going to be this feel-good movie about a British (yes!) boy who overcomes adversity to become a ballet dancer. It so is not. Basically it is a movie about a bunch of really messed up dysfunctional sad people, and then this kid goes to ballet school.

The only evidence that Billy should even go into ballet is that his brother listens to really terrible music and Billy just fucking loves to jump. That is it. He falls into secret ballet lessons because he is taking boxing lessons from the worst boxing coach ever and is supposed to give the keys to the gym to the worst ballet teacher ever.

The teacher keeps Billy around seemingly because she enjoys getting another 50 pence a week, but eventually takes an interest in him. She decides that he needs to audition for this fancy ballet school in London, but the only evidence that he is any better than any of the girls in the class is a scene in which the teacher, who we continually called “Mrs. Weasley,” holds and touches Billy's leg very awkwardly and compliments his form. Other than that, he seems to suck at ballet pretty hard. Especially given that her daughter is in the ballet class, it is pretty awful that she has more hope for Billy than she does any of the girls.

We had two major bugaboos with old Billy Elliot: the first being how amazingly awful the music was, and the second being how many incredibly creepy moments there were. At one point I remember saying “Okay, if something happens between Billy and Mrs. Weasley, I am getting up and walking out.” The weird chemistry between those two was not the only concern, however:

-Billy's best friend is a very confused 12 year old who likes to dress up like his mom when nobody is around; he's seen his dad do it so he knows it's okay.

-Said friend warms Billy's hands with what I can only assume was his crotch. Then kisses him.

-There is a very awkward scene in which Billy goes to his vandalized mother's grave and cuts the grass around it with scissors, in what has to be the worst graveyard ever.

-Billy's father and brother get into a fist fight that ends in hugging on the ground. (Okay, I enjoyed this.)

-The ballet teacher's daughter just brings awkward with her every where she goes. She tries to stop Billy from leaving by offering to show him her “fanny,” which means something different in the U.K. She was my favorite.

The ending was only more of a downer. Billy is accepted to ballet school, and all the other pitiful people in his life go back to their weird, depressing lives. The end.

I have to say that I am now opposed to Billy Elliot. It promotes so much creepiness. During further research of its legacy, I found some disturbing photos that only confirmed my concerns:

Time for SyFy

2010-04-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have been less than motivated about “watchin' stuff” lately. Sorry to those 4 or 5 of you who follow. Danielle insisted that we watch Alien, which she was quite excited about. I wouldn't say that I went into the viewing with the right attitude: “What?? They're on the ship the entire movie?? Ugh.. You know what we should do?? We should watch Rocketman instead.”

Well, we didn't watch Rocketman. Instead, I struggled through space time by making keen observations about what the future would be like according to the minds of people in 1979. What struck me as odd right off the bat was the low standards we seem to have for our future astronauts. Danielle's theory was that in the future everybody was into space travel, but.. come on now...

My personal favorite crew member was the one who kind of looked like a retired Beach Boy. Then again, I do always pick the underdog. We knew he was a goner when he was sent to “look for the cat” while everyone else went the other way. Then he didn't really redeem himself when he didn't seem surprised that it was raining inside a spaceship.

Enough about my favorite. Lets get to the aliens. As much as I tried to (okay, I didn't just try, I succeeded) make fun of this movie, I have to admit that there were a couple scenes that creeped me out. You know very well what I'm talking about, namely the face-hugging and chest-bursting. After that I was surprised (pleasantly) by how much you didn't see the aliens. Having only ever seen Alien Vs. Predator, I expected something totally different. I was happy to see that AVP just bastardized the franchise. Shocking. Here is a direct quote from me, “this is some freaky shit for '79.”

That's right, I kind of praised it. Now it's time for some random Ashley thoughts on Alien:

-Never take a cat into space. Nothing but trouble.

-There's always that one guy whose answer for everything is “let's freeze it/him.” And they never listen.

-There must be dead bodies floating all over space after being ejected from ships like that.

-It doesn't seem smart to use so much fire in a spaceship.

-That guy was a robot!? Holy. Shit. Yep, that just happened. Also, apparently, robots are made of some kind of goo and Mardi Gras beads.

-I really don't get why all the strobe lights there at the end are necessary. Is that a security feature? Because if I only have X amount of time to get to an emergency shuttle.. strobe lights are not going to help.

I am going to end this blog entry with the same thought process as the writers of Aliens.

“hmmm.. well.. what if they don't like it? What if all those nerdy guys get all the way to the end and they feel like it was a waste of time?.. Oh I know. Here's Sigourney Weaver in her underwear; they'll forget any complaints they had about the rest of it.”

It's My 19th Favorite Made For TV Movie

2010-04-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I realize that we can probably put this movie into the category “We Watched It So That You Don't Have To,” but I just had to see the original Boy in the Plastic Bubble starring John Travolta, better known (to me) for his role as Charlie Wax. The basic plot is that Travolta is a teen who has grown up living in a bubble because his mother had toxic insides and then he falls in love with his neighbor. I'm sure you've seen Bubble Boy.
I really can't go any further without addressing the biggest problem in this movie: Gina. The total Bitch. She is possibly the worst person I could ever imagine as a romantic interest. What a horrible person. There is little to nothing redeemable about her. Let us take a look all the ways I hate Gina:

-She complains that all Tod does is watch TV and he doesn't have any friends. He lives in a fucking bubble, what do you expect him to do?

-She complains that he watches her, then opens her blinds before she undresses. Oh please. I really don't know who gave him those binoculars though.

-Not only does she hold Tod's hand because of a dare, but she laughs in his face and says “don't you get it?? It was a dare!!”

-She says that they grew up together, but then admits that she only went to see him 12 times. On his birthday. When she was forced.

-She goes into his room in a bikini and says something like “You think I'm beautiful don't you?”.. then laughs at him and says, “so do I.” I wish I could find a video clip of this, because I've never wanted to punch someone in the face more than at this instant.

-Tod offers to tutor her, she wants to cheat off of his work instead.

-She leaves Tod outside while she goes on a date. She says she will be back later to help him back inside.

I've never seen a more unlikeable character end up with the lead in the end. What kind of lesson is that for children?

But a shitty love interest is not the only thing working against poor little bubble Travolta. He has really shitty parents. They complain about having to see other healthy children playing outside. Then, when their child comes home from the hospital for the very first time at four years old, they throw him right into his bubble room and leave him there to go have sex (after having awkward innuendo in front of him first of course).

Also I'm really sure Tod would have appreciated it if his parents had thought of a germ free suit about 14 years sooner. They must not have loved him.

He has a room in his bubble that is completely exposed to the outside. There is a fan (that doesn't even move Travolta's feathered locks) that is supposed to keep any germs from getting in. He must have been pissed when he found out that that theory was shit. Add an incompetent doctor to the list of people out to destroy his life.

His wardrobe leaves much to be desired. Meaning, you will desire him to wear pants. He has the largest collection of short shorts I've ever seen. We cheered during the scene when he finally is going to leave the bubble and he puts on pants.. But then he puts on.. a tunic? .. what? Who shops for him?? Oh wait. His parents. Who hate him.

He gets a little retarded when horses are around.

The first day he leaves the house is on the fourth of July. Yeah. Out in the sun, in a small plastic box. And someone at one point gives him a 10 dollar bill; I'm sure that's germ-free. Someone really wanted him dead. Probably that whore Gina.

Oh and the movie ends soon after Tod leaves his Bubble, so we don't find out if these conspirators get to see Tod dead or not.

Now for our very favorite things about The Boy in the Plastic Bubble:

1.Special Appearance by Buzz Aldrin.

2.After Travolta crosses the yellow line and leaves his bullshit the-fan-keeps-the-germs-out room, and he runs outside to kiss the succubus next door, the theme song starts playing that rivals the Nightmare on Elm Street tune. We were so distracted by how miraculously random and out of place it was. “I'm sorry, but does that song keep saying, 'leave us alone. We live in the country'?” “Yes it does.”

Some Boys (probably ones who wear a lot of black) Are Going To Be Mad At Me

2010-03-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

This was a very upsetting experience for me. All of the movies we've watched so far have been kind of campy and I felt that it was time for a serious one. I was totally ready for the master piece that so many had told me about. There are many great elements to it that I usually like: brooding and mysterious men, brooding and mysterious men with Irish accents, Willem Dafoe..

But alas, I was left heart broken. As much as I wanted to, I just did not like this movie. I'm sorry. Maybe I was just too tired to be watching it, but there were so many scenes that gave me a headache. They yelled the word “fuck” in this movie more than the girl in Rob Zombie's Halloween 2. (Probably, I'm definitely not going to do the research to prove it.) I was actually glad that Rocco died, every time he opened his mouth I wanted to kill him.
While I did like the look of the movie for the most part, sometimes the editing really bothered me. I get that they were going for the Tarantino-ish flashbacks, but sometimes I felt like Boondocks was about to cut to a commercial break. There was also never enough time for me to read the words they put on the screen, and I particularly like that they intertwine some of them with opening credits. If you miss it, serves you right for not caring who the producer was.

The biggest problem I had with this movie is that it seemed to have a concept, but no real story. They kill people.. they kill more people.. Willem Dafoe decides not to stop them.. they kill more people.. they find their dad?.. they kill more people. It's over. I kept waiting for a real conflict or twist or plot, or for someone to learn something or change, but it never really happened for me.

Willem DaFoe was probably my favorite part, primarily because he was the only character I really felt any connection to. You can tell right from the beginning that he's going to be bad ass, because he has theme music that actually overpowers the dialogue of other people. That's how you know. As much as I thought he did a great job in the role, he left me disappointed too. He's such an interesting and dynamic character then he has a conversation with a priest in a confessional, and while everything else about that scene was cool, his lines seem completely out of character and unlikely. He basically says “Oh you think I should help them? That's all I needed to hear, see ya.” It's like the screenwriters just got tired. And I'm sorry, as much as I liked seeing it, I have to worry who would ever see Willem and be dumbstruck because they think he is a hot lady.. those hands.. that jaw..

I realize that they left the end of this movie open in order to be deep and cause you to think about the issues and shit, but there just wasn't enough plot in there to merit that ending for me. It just left me very frustrated and disappointed. Just so you know, Danielle said she liked it until the end.

I felt less guilty about not loving this movie when I found that the DVD could be purchased at one low price with Transporter:

Oh and it's worth noting that this lady is in Boondock Saints (her other acting credits include appearing on Lizzie McGuire as "coach Kelly" and "Dot the Prisoner" on Who Wants To Be A Superhero?):

.. and this guy (his other acting credits include.. er.. umm.. other stuff):

Keanu Reeves Has Bad Teeth. And Face.

2010-03-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been feeling really creative and said “Hey, this is a really good idea.” Well, I have that very moment a lot while drinking. After going and having margaritas y cervezas at the nearby Mexican restaurant I turned to Danielle and said, “I have a great idea. Let's go back to the apartment, drink more, hang up our Roll Bounce posters, and watch one of the movies from our list.”

Well, after Schindler's List was vetoed and Scarface was unavailable, we decided that Speed would be the perfect candidate for a drunk movie review. I really doubt that we will be repeating this strategy ever again, because we could not concentrate at all and only made it through maybe half the movie. However, I took three pages of diligent notes, that I will try to decipher for you now.

-Danielle would like to name her first born child “Hawthorne James.” (This is us making it through the opening credits)

-”What are we, in an elevator shaft?” (Then there's just a huge check mark.) “This is just like Man vs. Wild: Urban Survivor.”

-At this point in the movie we digressed a bit and started to talk as if Dennis Hopper wasn't the villain, but instead “Hopper” (that's right, the villain from A Bug's Life) was. This conversation totally happened:
Danielle: “He's trying to steal his grain!”
Me: “He's trying to steal his brain?!”
Danielle: “No his grain, you know, A Bug's Life?”
Me: “Ooooh hahaha, I get it. So why is he trying to steal his brain?”

-We established that “Anna Paquin's dad” (Jeff Daniels) was NOT an elevator repairman.

-Ok Hopper is definitely bad. Then I actually wrote “Yeah. Write that down.”

-”This elevator scene is taking way too long.”

-”Jay Leno” dies in a bus explosion. I became extremely upset at this point. Why are we supposed to be so worried about the bus with Sandra Bullock on it, after a bus full of people has already blown up in the beginning of the movie? Doesn't that take away from the drama of the second bus?

-I remember saying that when the Jay Leno Bus blew up it looked like the director said, “Okay Keanu, now run to the bus and ACT! That's it, just keep acting! No, don't look this way. Keep acting.”

-The next section of notes is quite confusing. Something about stealing “tuneman's” car, Coolio really dying, and “when did Sandra Bullock start driving the bus?” I had really given up by this point.

-Possibly my favorite conversation:
Me: "Sandra Bullock isn't very pretty in this."
Danielle: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Well it's weird. She's pretty in The Blind Side, but here she's a lot younger, and she's not very pretty."
Danielle: "Well, in The Blind Side she's a rich lady. In this, she's a poor lady who has to ride the bus."
Me: "Hey hey hey. If this were true to real life, there would be a lot more Mexicans on that bus."

-After the bus makes a very impossible jump. I wrote down the very last thought I had of Speed: “Everyone is hugging... Except Spin City guy. He wanted to die.”

Heeeey Yooooouuu Guuuuuuys

2010-03-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Danielle's never seen Goonies! Or, she had never seen Goonies. Since it was the first time she'd seen it I asked for her review immediately after and got this: “I liked it. I think I would like it more if I was a kid, but I liked it.” Oh I think we can take it further than that. Luckily for you, I took some notes of our commentary, and learned quite a bit about Goonies.

For example, we learned that Chunk really is the saving grace of this movie. Almost all of the memorable or funny moments involve him. Seems unfair that all the worst stuff happens to him. He is pinned under a dead body (he'll never eat ice cream again) and he practically gets left for dead by the other kids on multiple occasions. Goonies? More like Bastards.

We also learned:

-10 year old boys think waterfalls are “beautiful!”

-Dropping your baby makes it turn out like Sloth.

-The restaurant must have been there since the 1600s in order for their treasure map to function.

The most important thing we learned was that Goonies, turns out, is the most romantic movie of all time!!

There are all those couples at the end!

This girl kisses the older brother in front of his parents, who seem to think it's cute. “That's right Mr. and Mrs. Walsh! I kissed both your sons today! The little one first!”

“Your looks are kinda pretty.” -The biggest lie Feldman ever told. God that girl was annoying.

Ever notice Chunk invites Sloth to live with him without asking his parents? ..Awkward...

-This entry is dedicated to Corey Haim. Because apparently Corey Feldman held his hand a few days before he died, “but not in a gay way or anything.”

We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.

2010-03-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Don't really have a ton to say about Sixteen Candles. I always enjoy a trip back to 80's when it was a big deal to get your own phone line in your room and floppy discs were very expensive. Also, the editor of this movie did a great job of incorporating random shit like Joan Cusack in a back brace trying to drink from a water fountain.

Anthony Michael Hall was by far my favorite part of this movie despite the fact that he caused my biggest moment of confusion. First, why does he not have a name? He's important enough. Second, the night of the big awesome sauce party, Hall seems completely lucid during all the calamity with the dumb-ass blonde girl, yet in the morning time, she has to recount to him what happened. If anybody would need their memory refreshed, shouldn't it be her? I don't remember Hall being under the influence of anything unless almost taking birth control pills counts.

Finally, I learned from this movie that Twilight may have perfected awkward unlikely teenage romances, but it did not start the trend. Molly Ringwald and “Jake Ryan” (dreamy voice) have very awkward staring at each other moments, awkward silences, and that very twilightesque scene when Ringwald responds to him by just skulking away. Yes. That is the equation for a very awkward kiss where you have to lean really far over FIRE.

+

=

It's a dream... dream. NO, it's a Nightmare

2010-03-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

So Nightmare on Elm Street turned out to be a great transition movie for us. Primarily because there is little to no difference between watching it and the usual B movies we love. I am honestly not sure what makes this one so special, or how Johnny Depp became so successful. I will say that we did have a damn good time watching it though.

Let me start with the main problem. There are no rules on the Elm street! It's complete shenanigans over there! In horror movies, especially ones in which the villain has some kind of supernatural ability (like, I don't know, the ability to appear in dreams??), there have got to be rules. Not for Freddie. In Freddie Krueger land, he can only hurt you while you're asleep. Ok. Well then explain to me how he strangled the guy in jail with his sheets. Was the prisoner having a dream in which he was asleep and Freddie was creepily inching the sheet up and around him? I hope so, but think not. Also, sometimes you can wake yourself up by hurting yourself, but sometimes you can smash your head against the ceiling and not wake up.

Some other issues we had:

-What is the point of Freddie cutting himself and leaking (what I assume is) gasoline? I don't get it.

-I'm sorry, but Johnny Depp is “The Jock?” Someone had to actually address him as such before I realized that was his role.

-Is it supposed to be implied that the main character is aging rapidly because of the nightmare problem? Is that the point of the grey streaks in her hair and the line where she says “Oh my god, I look like I'm 20?” This movie has layers people.

-Isn't there supposed to be some kind of moral lesson to these classic horror films? As far as I can tell, Freddie murdered a shit ton of childrens, so some parents got together and killed him. Even Stevens if you ask me. How then does it thematically make sense for him to get to come back and kill their teenage offspring? I'll tell you, it doesn't.

Ok, Ok, it's only fair that I now tell you what we LOVED about this movie:

-Johnny Depp in a half shirt.

-The fact that if you are under sleep observation and you freak out and come out of a dream with not only razor blade slashes (that match the murder victim's) down your arm, but also an article of clothing... they will discharge you immediately after. I do not know what kind of results would have merited further observation at this hospital.

-The fact that Freddie Krueger wrote his name in his hat. I don't know if he acquired the hat before or after he died, but either way I like to picture him thinking, “This is a really nice looking and popular hat, I better get a Sharpie and write my name in here.”

-And my very favorite thing about this movie is that the family keeps the hat in a drawer in their kitchen! “Oh well that is the spoon drawer.. that's where we keep the oven mitts.. oh that? That drawer is for the other worldly items of clothing that our daughter sometimes pulls out of her dreams if she can grab them fast enough. Yeah, it's a serial killer clothes drawer. Oh the plates? They're in the cabinet to your left.”

Oh, and we also really really loved the song during the end credits.

I Would Like, If I May, To Take You On A Strange Journey

2010-03-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

The purpose of the blog is to document an experiment of sorts. My roommate and myself pride ourselves in our ability to find and enjoy the worst movies possible. We've been entertained by such gems as Thankskilling, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and (my personal favorite) Hard Rock Zombies. What we've discovered however, is that we never watch the “good” movies, or the “classics.” For example, I've never seen Star Wars, while Danielle has never seen The Goonies, while neither of us have seen The Godfather. We've decided that we are tired of pretending we are “in-the-know” while talking amongst our pretentious film (pretentious people call them “films”) watching circles.

Now I am going to share with you our reactions to these “must-see” movies as we battle our way through the list of titles that we have often pretended to have seen to save face during conversations. Enjoy as we give you our honest reviews of your favorites as we watch them for the first time. It is going to be really difficult for us not to throw an occasional Shark Attack 3: Megalodon into the mix. I can't wait until this is all over and we are cultured and artsy. That is what's going to happen, right?